Today is Gone

It feels strange sitting here again, and that’s not to say that I wasn’t strange before… It just feels good to be home, to be doing the things I love once more.

In case you’ve missed the past few months, I’ve taken some time off. I’ve spent most of that time purposely avoiding this blog, and all of the other madness that comes stapled to Salt + Iron Productions. The truth is, I needed a break, severely.

There’s this song I really enjoy from my scene kid phase, it’s by Circa Survive. It’s called “The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is the Dose” and in the same theme of most songs from that era, it was an erroneously long title with not much to do regarding the content of the song itself. I found that over time I came to commit to that very same archetype in my writing. In some ways it’s become the explanation for why I needed to take so much time away.

I was on a schedule that was so demanding of me and so horrible to my body that I began to slowly degrade, working on this whole business for twelve to twenty hours at a time. I wasn’t sleeping nor eating when I should have, and I knew it. That’s the thing about spending so much time doing the thing you love, you love it. You want to be consumed by it and crushed by the weight of your joy, but all things are poisonous when taken too heavily.

I had a mental breakdown in the middle of last year, around May, I sat up from my bed after fighting demons day in and day out, and broke down in tears because I finally admitted to myself that I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do. It was the worst breakdown I’ve ever had, and I’ll never forget how it felt.

It was as if I’d let someone down. As I sat there in my one-bedroom apartment while my girlfriend was at work, weeping, I suddenly felt all of the weight crack my spine and it sent me into a downward spiral, I’m sure those of you who keep up on this blog weekly noticed the sudden change.

I apologize for disappearing like I did, by the way. I’m sure that some small business guru will come along soon to tell me that I’ve dramatically damaged the fanbase of my blog, and I suppose that may be true, but just as my time away has proven, all wounds will heal.

I didn’t realize just how much of my time was spent in this world, how consumed I had become with writing the next big hit on my blog and ravenously pounding away at the keys to try and breakthrough to someone and find a magic check that would keep me independent forever. I became obsessed with the outcome, not the path I was taking to get there.

When I started Gravity, My Enemy I was much younger, and I didn’t know what it was going to take to do all of these things I want to do, being an author and a musician and an artist etc. Is a big pile of future I have waiting for me, but I needed to take a step back, to really rest.

I’m happy to say today that I’ve done that, I couldn’t tell you honestly that I’m all better. This new schedule I’ve been given is going to take some getting used to, but I’m still here.

For a dude who genuinely wondered why I was alive earlier this year, that’s a pretty big step.

I’m here, and I’m okay, and I have just about everything I need in life now. I’ve recovered from that darkness that swallowed my summer, and the snow is going to fall soon.

I’ll be here through the Winter, and into next year, a warm body and all.

I just wanted to check in, give a small update to anyone who was wondering where I had gone. You’ve seen that Gravity, My Enemy has changed I’m sure, those changes are all built from a much clearer headed and stable mind than the GME that was putting out life lessons like a wizened sage every Friday night, I don’t think I’ll be doing things that way anymore. But, that’s all for now. I’ve got a novel to write.

I’ll see you soon, trust me.

-AT

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